And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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