So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
