I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
