He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
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