you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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