Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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