I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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