Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
