I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
