....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
