Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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