Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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