I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
