Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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