As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
