did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
