While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
