I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Randomize
