Soap is not a condiment
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
