I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
