I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
