It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Randomize
