The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
