Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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