The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
