Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
