im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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