I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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