I have demons in me.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
