Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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