Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
