it's not cheating when I paid for it
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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