I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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