she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
