I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
