Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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