I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
