you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
