I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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