I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
