I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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