I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
