just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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