Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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