Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
