just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
