Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
