woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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