new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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