Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
