Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
