I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
