at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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